Evil Jesus, History’s Most Unpleasant, Failed Messiah


Evil Jesus, History’s Most Unpleasant, Failed Messiah

jesus_crazy

What words come from the mouths of the religious when they speak about Jesus?

Loving? Merciful? Just? Compassionate?

The reality is, the Bible reveals Jesus’s primary qualities quite differently: jealous, self-serving, arrogant, petty, maniacal, irrational, unforgiving, bloodthirsty, vindictive—and worse!

“Jesus was a moral lunatic who intended to return with an army of angels to eternally torture the vast majority of humanity. If you’d like to think that’s the “good version” of setting billions of people on fire, think again.”

We can do better, and create a clear a path to a kinder and more thoughtful world.

 

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Why Jesus Would Have Hated Most Modern Day Religion


Why Jesus Would Have Hated Most Modern Day Religion

Jesus would not be a “Bible believer,” as we use that term in the post Billy Graham era of American fundamentalist religiosity.

The following is an excerpt from Why I am an Atheist Who Believes in God: How to Give Love, Create Beauty and Find Peace by Frank Schaeffer. Click here to buy a copy. 

A leper came to Jesus and said, “Lord, if you choose, you can make me clean.” If Jesus had been a good religious Jew, he would have said, “Be healed,” and just walked away. Instead, he stretched out his hand and touched the leper, saying, “I do choose. Be made clean,” even though he was breaking the specific rules of Leviticus. Two chapters teach that anyone touching a person with leprosy is contaminated.

Jesus certainly was not a “Bible believer,” as we use that term in the post Billy Graham era of American fundamentalist religiosity that’s used as a trade-marked product to sell religion. Jesus didn’t take the Jewish scriptures at face value. In fundamentalist terms, Jesus was a rule-breaking relativist who wasn’t even “saved,” according to evangelical standards. Evangelicals insist that you have to believe very specific interpretations of the Bible to be saved. Jesus didn’t. He undercut the scriptures.

The stories about Jesus that survived the bigots, opportunists and delusional fanatics who wrote the New Testament contain powerful and enlightened truths that would someday prove the undoing of the Church built in his name. Like a futurist vindicated by events as yet undreamed, Jesus’ message of love was far more powerful than the magical thinking of the writers of the book he’s trapped in. In Jesus’ day the institutions of religion, state, misogyny and myth were so deeply ingrained that the ultimate dangerousness of his life example could not be imagined. For example his feminism, probably viewed as an eccentricity in his day, would prove transformational.

Jesus believed in God rather than in a book about God. The message of Jesus’ life is an intervention in and an acceleration of the evolution of empathy. Consider this story from the book of Matthew: “A woman who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years came up behind him and touched the edge of his cloak. She said to herself, ‘If I only touch his cloak, I will be healed.’ Jesus turned and saw her. ‘Take heart, daughter,’ he said, ‘your faith has healed you.’ And the woman was healed at that moment.”

Jesus recognized a bleeding woman touching him as a sign of her faith. By complimenting rather than rebuking her, Jesus ignored another of his scripture’s rules: “If a woman has a discharge of blood for many days, not at the time her [period], or if she has a discharge beyond the time, all the days of her discharge she shall continue in uncleanness… Every bed on which she lies during all the days of her discharge shall be treated as [unclean]… Everything on which she sits shall be unclean … Whoever touches these things shall be unclean” (Leviticus 15:25).

Jesus’ un-first-century antics went beyond coddling lepers and welcoming the touch of a bleeding woman. He held a dead girl’s hand, violating explicit commands: “He shall not go in to any dead bodies nor make himself unclean, even for his father or for his mother” (Leviticus 21:11) and “Whosoever toucheth the dead body of any man that is dead, and purifieth not himself, defileth the tabernacle of the LORD; and that soul shall be cut off from Israel: because the water of separation was not sprinkled upon him, he shall be unclean; his uncleanness is yet upon him” (Numbers 19:13).

As an ultimate fuck you to rule-keeping scripture zealots everywhere, Jesus hung out with whores. Embracing whores was a double rebuke to the Jewish scripture-thumpers because it put Jesus on the side of the pagan, prostitute-condoning Roman occupiers and made him a traitor in the culture wars of the day. Yet, the anointing of Jesus by a prostitute is one of the few events reported in all four gospels. As Jesus blessed and defended her, Matthew’s gospel says the disciples “were indignant” while Luke describes the woman who did the anointing as “a woman in that town who lived a sinful life,” which is a coded phrase for a filthy hooker who is certainly not one of us.

Jesus’ embrace of a woman from an enemy tribe in a culture where tribal belonging was paramount distressed both his followers and enemies. His attitude to the “other” was as incomprehensible as if he’d blurted “E=mc2 is the equation of mass–energy equivalence.” The Samaritan woman at the well knew that his actions were shocking. When Jesus stopped to talk to her, she said, “You are a Jew and I am a Samaritan woman. How can you ask me for a drink? For Jews do not associate with Samaritans” (John 4:9).

Jesus responded by attacking the preeminence of religion and group identity, offering an entirely new way of looking at spirituality by emphasizing basic human dignity above nation, state, gender or religion:

“Sir,” the woman said, “I can see that you are a prophet. Our ancestors worshiped on this mountain, but you Jews claim that the place where we must worship is in Jerusalem.”

“Woman,” Jesus replied, “believe me, a time is coming when you will worship the Father neither on this mountain nor in Jerusalem. You Samaritans worship what you do not know; we worship what we do know, for salvation is from the Jews. Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in the Spirit and in truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks. God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in the Spirit and in truth” (John 4:19–24).

Jesus rejects tribalism, literalism, group identity, specific religions, and gatekeepers as well as his Jewish identity. The phrase “Salvation is from the Jews” is paradoxically a reference to his liberating departure from tribal identity in favor of common humanity.

What is the implication of Jesus-centric non-theological, non-dogmatic salvation? It’s the abolishing of exclusion of the other as “unsaved.”

What about God? Jesus says that God doesn’t want (or maybe no longer wants) worship via exclusionary religion, sacrifice or membership in the correct tribe, sect or nation. No, Jesus says, the Father wants “true worshipers [who] will worship the Father in the Spirit and in truth.”

In other words Jesus decouples the credulous attachment to a tribal geography and religion-based identity. Jesus declares we’re all one family. Goodbye, Abrahamic covenant, Jerusalem, Mecca, Rome and Constantinople. Au revoir, holy places, River Ganges, passports, borders, empires, Lourdes, clan, tribe, Hellenism, Russian imperial ambition and American exceptionalism. No more chants of “USA! USA!” for, “a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in the Spirit and in truth.” According to Jesus, there never was and never will be a “greatest country on earth,” or a “city set on a hill” or a “chosen people.”

101 Insane, Crazy and Secretive Beliefs of Mormons


The Age of Blasphemy

   by the Mormon Zombie
101 Nonpublic or Weird Beliefs of Mormons

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This post is less about what the LDS church teaches publicly or in writing, and more about what is often not publicly admitted to, whether still believed or not, and about some of the crazier things Mormons come to believe when embedded in Mormon culture.  Though not categorized, some of these are doctrinal, others hearsay over the pulpit from apostles or leaders, and others adopted by more orthodox Mormons.

1.         Polygamy is still doctrinal in heaven and included in LDS scripture.  See D&C 132

2.         Sports should not be played on Sunday

3.         TV or movies should not be viewed on Sunday (except Church or “happy” media)

4.         Children should not be allowed to play with friends on Sunday

5.        …

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George W. Bush to Raise Money for Group That Converts Jews to Bring About Second Coming of Christ


George W. Bush to Raise Money for Group That Converts Jews to Bring About Second Coming of Christ

The former president follows in the footsteps of Glenn Beck, who addressed the group last year.

—By

Bush event invitation

Next week, former President George W. Bush is scheduled to keynote a fundraiser in Irving, Texas, for the Messianic Jewish Bible Institute, a group that trains people in the United States, Israel, and around the world to convince Jews to accept Jesus as the Messiah. The organization’s goal: to “restore” Israel and the Jews and bring about about the second coming of Christ.

Messianic Jews have long been controversial for Jews of all major denominations, who object to their proselytizing efforts and their message that salvation by Jesus is consistent with Jewish theology. Last year, Abraham Foxman, president of the Anti-Defamation League, told Politico that former Sen. Rick Santorum’s appearance at an event hosted by another Messianic Jewish organization, the Messianic Jewish Alliance of America, was “insensitive and offensive.” And Commentary magazine, which bills itself as a “conservative American journal of politics, Judaism, social and cultural issues,” noted, “it must be understood that the visceral distaste that the overwhelming majority of Jews have for the Messianics is not to be taken lightly.” Many Messianic Jews are Christians who have adopted aspects of Jewish ritual observance; others are Jews who share the Christian belief that Jesus is the Messiah.

Asked about Bush’s upcoming appearance at the Messianic Jewish Bible Institute (MJBI) event, Rabbi David Saperstein, the director of the Religious Action Center of Reform Judaism, said, “It’s disappointing that he would give his stamp of approval to a group whose program is an express effort to convert Jews and not to accept the validity of the Jewish covenant.” Foxman was traveling overseas and unavailable to comment.

(After this story published, Rabbi David Wolpe of Los Angeles’ Sinai Temple, whom Newsweek has called the most influential rabbi in the country, tweeted, “This is infuriating.”)

Based in Dallas, the MJBI claims that it acts like the Apostle Paul in helping to “educate Christians in their role to provoke the Jewish people to jealousy and thus save some of them (Romans 11:11-14).” It has Bible schools in 12 countries, an online school of “Messianic theology,” and programs to train Messianic rabbis and pastors. Its logos feature a star of David and a menorah, and its website promotes the weekly Torah portion, a “Yiddish Mama’s Kitchen,” and links to purchase Judaica and books, such as Christ in the Old Testament. The nonprofit organization brought in approximately $1.2 million in revenue in 2011, the last year for which records are available.

At the November 14 event, which will be held at the Irving Convention Center, Bush will discuss his White House experiences, according to promotional materials. Bush, the group says, will “share his passion for setting people free.” Last year, Glenn Beck was the star of the group’s fundraiser, which was held at Cowboys Stadium in Arlington, Texas.

This year’s event is designed to bring in funds for the group’s proselytizing operations. And the former president is helping out with more than just speech-making. The most expensive of the ticket packages, which range from $100 to $100,000, includes 20 invitations to a VIP reception and photo opportunity with Bush, 10 signed copies of Bush’s book Decision Points, and passes to tour the George W. Bush Presidential Library and Museum.

Alisa Stephenson, MJBI director of events and partner relations, would not say whether Bush is receiving a speaking fee for his appearance. “We cannot have any outside advertising or any media whatsoever involved in this, so I most likely cannot answer any of your questions,” she tells Mother Jones.

A spokesman for Bush and a spokeswoman for the George W. Bush Presidential Library and Museum did not respond to requests for comment.

At last year’s MJBI fundraiser, Beck received a “Defender of Israel” award. During Beck’s time as host of his Fox News program (which ended in 2011), hundreds of Jewish leaders denounced his on-air rhetoric as anti-Semitic—particularly his repeated invocation of Nazis and the Holocaust to demonize political adversaries and his accusation that George Soros is a “puppet master” who collaborated with the Nazis. “One of the reasons why I love Israel so much is I’m a guy who’s for the underdog,” Beck told the audience. “I’m a Mormon, which is kind of the Jew of the Christian world.”

Robert Morris, pastor of Gateway Church in Dallas, which Beck attends, introduced Beck as a “prophet” at the event. Morris told the crowd that his church has supported MJBI because “when we do this, the Bible tells us, it’s going to change the whole world. That it’s going to hasten the coming of the Lord Jesus Christ, and it’s going to bring about worldwide revival.”

When asked how the MJBI managed to secure Bush to keynote its fundraiser, Stephenson cited its track record of drawing influential speakers, pointing to the appearance by Beck.

At last year’s event, members of the MJBI’s board of directors explained the organization’s mission of converting Jews to an audience of hundreds who were seated on a professional football field, wearing formal clothes, and eating pork barbecue. Rabbi Jonathan Bernis, a leading Messianic Jew and televangelist who chairs MJBI’s board of directors, maintained that “our numbers are growing and growing,” because “the Bible predicted that the day would come when the blindness would come off the eyes of the people it all began with.” He was referring to Jews. The Bible, Bernis continued, “tells us that the day will come when all of Israel will be saved.” The MJBI, Bernis said, “is one of the ministries that God has raised up to bring that to pass.” Other featured speakers last year included David Barton, the religious right’s discreditedhistorian,” who this week used Beck’s radio show to announce that he won’t challenge Sen. John Cornyn (R-Texas) in next year’s Republican Senate primary.

Another MJBI board member, Rabbi Marty Waldman of Baruch HaShem, a Messianic congregation in Dallas, described his own conversion experience before making a pitch to the audience to donate money to MJBI. Money, he explained, is needed to hasten the return of Jesus. With the funds it collects, Waldman said, MJBI trains “people to preach the good news of the Messiah to the Jewish people.” That’s important, Waldman noted, because when there are “enough” Jewish people who call Jesus their savior, “some sort of a trigger will go off in heaven, and our father in heaven will say, ‘Okay, son, it’s time to get your bride.'”

At last year’s MJBI event, a group called the Christian Heritage Foundation displayed a collection of Torah scrolls outside the Miller Lite Club at Cowboys Stadium. On the field, a shofar was blown, to applause.

Research for this article was supported by a 2012 Knight Luce Fellowship for Reporting on Global Religion. The fellowship is a program of the University of Southern California’s Knight Chair in Media and Religion.

Sarah Posner

Sarah Posner is an investigative journalist covering the intersection of religion and politics. Her work has appeared in The Washington Post, The Guardian, The Atlantic, Salon, The Nation, The American Prospect, Al Jazeera America, and many other publications. Her website is http://sarahposner.com.

Michele Bachmann’s End TIme


Michele Bachmann’s End TIme

Michele Bachmann - Mad  :   http://mariopiperni.com/

You’ve heard them all. Barack Obama is: a Muslim, a socialist, a communist, the anti-Christ and a Kenyan. And, as Fox News has repeatedly noted, Obama hates white people/America/Christmas/Israel and puppies. All this while ‘Barry’ pals around with terrorists and plots to take away your guns and bibles in his fervent attempt to usurp the Constitution and impose sharia law on America.

Michele Bachmann, determined to keep her ‘I’m a Total Idiot’ status all the way through to her own end time in Congress, proposes a new anti-Obama, made-up piece of nonsense to add to the mix. E.A. Blair explains.

___

On the 5 October broadcast of the Christian radio show Understanding the Times our favorite batshit crazy member of congress lied about the President again by saying that “Obama waived a ban on arming terrorists in order to allow weapons to go to the Syrian opposition. Your listeners, U.S. taxpayers, are now paying to give arms to terrorists including Al-Qaeda.”

Of course this is a lie. What the President actually did was let the U.S. Government “…provide or license, where appropriate, certain non-lethal assistance inside or related to Syria.”

However, ol’ Charlie Manson Eyes can’t, as usual, handle the truth. She let the lie roll on and on, laced with Christian gobbledegook:

“This happened and as of today the United States is willingly, knowingly, intentionally sending arms to terrorists. Now what this says to me, I’m a believer in Jesus Christ, as I look at the End Times scripture, this says to me that the leaf is on the fig tree and we are to understand the signs of the times, which is your ministry, we are to understand where we are in God’s End Times history. Rather than seeing this as a negative, we need to rejoice, Maranatha Come Lord Jesus, His day is at hand. When we see up is down and right is called wrong, when this is happening, we were told this; these days would be as the days of Noah.”

Apparently the Representative of Vaccine Hysteria forgets the words of Genesis 9:11: “I establish my covenant with you: Never again will all life be destroyed by the waters of a flood; never again will there be a flood to destroy the earth.” In other words, Yahweh ain’t gonna do no more what he did to Noah. That’s also why the first nine generations of the bible never saw a rainbow.

Michele Bachmann - Crazy - Reagan quote : http://mariopiperni.com/

So now Bachmann has become an eschatologist (for those of you who are not theologically inclined, eschatology is the religious study of the end of the world), and claims that Obama is leading us into the end times. I guess she hasn’t heard that all good and true Christians are supposed to want the End Times, and to do everything they can to bring them about (this is the religious rationale for supporting Israel). Instead of hating President Obama, she should be supporting him.

Bachmann is in fine company. Thousands of people have predicted the end of the world, and sometimes, people actually paid attention and wrote these predictions down. Fortunately, these would-be prophets are about as right as Republicans when it comes to the future. I just looked out my front door, and, providing reality is not purely subjective, none of them have come true so far. I wonder what makes Bachmann think she can do any better than her predecessors. A partial list is given for your consideration (My source is Wikipedia; the snark is mine). I leave it as an exercise for the reader to pick the most plausible one.

634 BCE – Romans feared the city would be destroyed in the year 120 AUC. The first known round number prediction.

389 BCE – Romans again feared that the city would be destroyed in the year 365 AUC. Doomsayers also like the number 365.

33 CE – Jesus tells his Apostles that the End will come “within their lifetimes”. Since that didn’t happen, how true can the rest of the New Testament be?

66 CE – Essene Jews saw revolt against Rome as the end times battle.

365 – Hilary of Poitiers also bases his prediction on the number of days in a year.

400 – Martin of Tours says that the Antichrist had already been born. Someone should have told him that wouldn’t happen until 4 August 1961.

500 – Hippolytus of Rome, Sextus Julius Africanus and Irenaeus expects the end of the world on a round number (reinforcing a habit).

793 – Spanish Monk Beatus of Liébana says Christ will return on 6 April.

800 – Sextus Julius Africanus revises his date of 500 to 800, sticking with round numbers.

799–806 – Gregory of Tours calculates a date between 799 and 806. History records that he could never balance his checkbook, either.

992–995 – Various Christians decide that since Good Friday and the Feast of the Annunciation happen on the same day, something bad is going to happen, like when payday is on a Friday the 13th.

1000 – Pope Sylvester II expects the end of the world on a really nice round number.

1033 – Since the world didn’t end 1000 years after Christ was born, various Christians figures it would end 1000 years after his death.

1186 – John of Toledo predicts the end times based on astrology (a practice forbidden by the church and the Bible).

1260 – Joachim of Fiore says that the Millenium would begin sometime between 1200 and 1260. His descendants all now hold jobs scheduling cable TV installation appointments.

1284 – Pope Not-so-Innocent III predicts the end 666 years after the rise of Islam. 666 will come back to haunt doomsayers.

1290 – Joachim of Fiore’s followers, preparing for their hereditary careers, reschedule doomsday to 1290…and 1335.

1335 – Joachim of Fiore’s prediction fails again.

1346-1351 – Black Plague: still not the end – unless your immune system isn’t up to snuff.

1370 – Jean de Roquetaillade says that the Antichrist is already here and the Millennium would begin in 1368 or 1370. The Joachimites were jealous.

1378 – Arnaldus de Villa Nova: another Joachimite who doesn’t do any better than his leader.

1504 – Sandro Botticelli believes the end times have already begun, and that the Millennium would come along sooner or later. God must not have been paying attention.

1524 Feb 20 – London astrologers predict a second Great Flood on 1 February, apparently forgetting Genesis 9:11 (and the biblical prohibition against forecasting the future). 20,000 Londoners leave town and King Henry VIII takes the opportunity to expand the palace grounds over the now-vacant lots.

1524 Feb 20 – Astrologer Johannes Stöffler predicts the end on the basis of a planetary alignment in Pisces. It turned out to be a bit fishy.

1524–1526 – Thomas Müntzer says that these years are the start of the Millennium. His followers were killed by government troops and he was tortured and beheaded, meaning that he was partly right, just limited in his scope.

1528 – Johannes Stöffler fails again, his stars slowly setting.

1533 – Melchior Hoffman, a member of the same cult sect denomination as Müntzer says that 144,000 people would be saved, while the rest of the world would die by the eventual invention and consumption of fast food (death by frying).

1534 – Jan Matthys makes a cheesy forecast that the world would end on 5 April and only the city of Münster would survive.

1555 – Pierre d’Ailly says the end of the world would be in the 7000th year after creation. Another round number freak but with a different approach.

1585 – Michael Servetus claims, in his book The Restoration of Christianity, that the devil had taken over the Church and the council of Nicea in 325CE, and that the intervening years had been the expected Tribulation. No, Mike, it only seemed like a tribulation.

1600 – Martin Luther predicts the end no later than 1600…but he isn’t really sure. He was still trying to clean up after nailing his ninety-five feces to the church door in Wittenberg..

1624 Feb 1 – London astrologers fail again with their next flood.

1648 – Rabbi Sabbatai Zevi uses the kabbalah to predict the arrival of the Messiah, who is more than fashionably late.

1654 – Astronomer Helisaeus Roeslin bases his prediction on a 1572 Nova. Nobody knows how he got his hands on a time-traveling Chevrolet.

1654 – Bishop James Ussher publishes his calculation of the date of the Creation the night preceding 23 October 4004 BCE. His followers later assert that the world would end exactly 6000 years later.

1656 – Christopher Columbus had predicted in 1501 that the world would end in 1656.

1658 – Christopher Columbus later revised his 1501 prediction and regurgitated Pierre d’Ailly’s prediction with a different creation date. He said the world was created in 5343 BCE, and would last 7000 years. Remember, he also thought that he had reached India.

1666 – Rabbi Zevi, having failed to recognize the Messiah if he had, indeed come eighteen years earlier, tries again for 1666. Again, no soap.

1666 – The Fifth Monarchists get their undies in a bunch over a year with the numbers 666, 100,000 Londoners dying of plague and the Great Fire of London. Their descendants rename US highway 666 to U.S. Route 491 in 2003.

1688 – John Napier, mathematician and inventor of “Napier’s Bones”, an early mechanical calculator himself calculates the end for this year from information in the Book of Revelation

1694 – John Mason (Anglican priest), Johann Heinrich Alsted (German Calvinist minister) and Johann Jacob Zimmermann (German theologian and mathematician). A banner year for failed predictions everywhere.

1697 – Cotton Mather makes first American prediction.

1700 – John Napier, after his first prediction failed, maybe used his “Bones” calculator for a second try. He should have waited for Texas Instruments.

1716 – Cotton Mather tries again.

1736 – Cotton Mather proves a third time that he’s no better at eschatology than he was at theology.

1780 May 19 – Connecticut General Assembly think smoke from a forest fire and fog on a cloudy day was the skies turning dark, heralding the end of the world. And you thought the Republican Party didn’t get going until 1854.

1789 – Pierre d’Ailly’s revised 14th-Century prediction said the Antichrist would be born in this year. No Antichrist, but the US Constitution did get ratified.

1792 – In two shaky predictions, the Shakers look for the end in both 1792 and 1794. So why was their furniture built to last?

1793–1795 – Retired sailor Richard Brothers keeps annoying people by insisting the Millennium will begin between 1793 and 1795.

1795 – While campaigning for the release of retired sailor Richard Brothers from an insane asylum, Nathaniel Brassey Haled says that the world would end on 19 November.

1836 – John Wesley, Methodist church founder says that Revelation 12:14 means that Christ would come sometime between 1058 and 1836. He was running out of time. Revelation 12:14 says, ” And to the woman were given two wings of a great eagle, that she might fly into the wilderness, into her place, where she is nourished for a time, and times, and half a time, from the face of the serpent.” Wesley was as batty as Bachman is.

1843 Apr 28 – The Millerites, followers of Adventist/Baptist preacher, predict the end on this day.

1843 Dec 31 – Millerites again.

1844 Mar 21 – William Miller cons the Millerites one more time

1844 Oct 22 – Millerites prove they can be fooled again – lack of doom and destruction become known as the “Great Disappointment”. Too bad all predictions don’t adopt the title.

1847 – George Ramp, founder of the Harmony Society, declares that Jesus will return before he died. It is 7 August, and he is on his deathbed. As it turned out, Jesus wasn’t the one doing the traveling.

1853–1856 – Crimean War thought to be Battle of Armageddon. Maybe Jesus was busy reading Tennyson’s Charge of the Light Brigade.

1862 – Scottish minister John Chumming decides that since it was 6000 years since Creation, the world would had passed its “use by” date..

1874 – Charles Take Russell predicts Jesus would return. When nothing happens, Russell claims Jesus is here but “invisible”.

1881 – 15th-century soothsayer Mother Shipton was quoted”The world to an end shall come, In eighteen hundred and eighty one”. A book of her “prophecies, published in 1862, was later proved to be a forgery, but this didn’t stop people from believing it. That volume is now use as the factchecking handbook at Fox News, whose followers also believe even when proven wrong.

1890 – Native American spiritualist Wovoka expects the end of the world on a somewhat round number. He’s late, as the Native Americans’ world ended in 1492.

1892 – Pyramidologist Charles Piazzi Smyth bases his research on the dimensions of the Great Pyramid and concludes that the End will happen sometime between 1892 and 1911. He goes into a deep depression when he discovers that his calculations should have been based on the pyramid of Sneferu. On being informed that the Giza pyramid had been built by space aliens and its dimensions actually encoded the directions to the home planet, his depression becomes fatal.

1901 – The Catholic Apostolic Church, founded in 1831, hold that the world would end when the last of its founders died. Since their main purpose was bringing The immediate Second Coming of Christ, it’s a wonder that the elders weren’t bumped off to hurry things up. The CAC is still in existence, but its members wonder why.

1910 – French astronomer Camille Flammarion says Halley’s Comet would poison the Earth’s atmosphere. People buy “Comet Pills” to counteract the poison.

1914 – Charles Take Russell mistakes a secular war (WWI) for Armageddon.

1918 – The International Bible Students Association hold that their church will be “glorified” in the spring on 1918. The students spend the entire summer in detention.

1920 – Jehovah’s Witless elder Raymond Franz says that the world will descent into anarchy in 1920. The anarchy arrived, but it remained confined to the Witlesses.

1925 – Seventh-day Adventist Margaret Rowen says the angel Gabriel told her the world would end at midnight 13 February (incidentally, a Friday). On 28 November the Grand Ole Opry debuts on radio, which amounts to the same thing. Gabriel was only off by 288 days.

1935 – Evangelist Wilbur Voliva says “the world is going to go ‘puff’ and disappear” in September. On the fifteenth, the Nuremberg Laws go into effect, making him one of the more accurate predictors in history.

1936 – Herbert W. Armstrong (Garner Ted’s daddy) says only his followers, members of the Worldwide Church of God would be saved. Present-day Tea Partiers say the same thing.

1941 – Some Jehovah’s Witnesses which broke off from the Bible Student movement, predict Armageddon for this year. Apparently the students didn’t learn.

1943 – Herbert W. Armstrong wrong again (just like the Tea Party).

1954 – The UFO cult Brotherhood of the Seven Rays told by leader Dorothy Martin that the world will be flooded on 21 December. She directs her followers to divest themselves of all worldly goods and wait for rescue from space. On 22 December, her followers quit.

1959 – 2nd Prophet of the Branch Davidians Florence Houteff predicts the apocalypse from Revelation will be on 22April. This causes a split in the group, ultimately leading to David Koresh. There was an apocalypse, but not for another thirty-four years. And thirty-six years.

1962 Feb 4 – Jeane Dixon with more astrological nonsense, says a planetary alignment will destroy the Earth. She forgets to explain why previous alignments hadn’t already done so.

1967 Aug 20 – George Van Tassel predicts Soviet nuclear strike. He is supposedly channeling an alien named Ashtar, later revealed to be ALF.

1967 – People’s Temple founder Jim Jones foretells a nuclear war. Eleven years later he tries another way.

1969 – Charles Manson tries to start it himself.

1972 – Herbert W. Armstrong swings and misses for strike three.

1973 – Children of God leader David Berg says that Comet Kohoutek will crash and burn up the world sometime between 11 and 21 January. Kohoutek ended up disappointing both Berg and comet watchers.

1975 – Three times was not a charm for Herbert W. Armstrong. Like the Tea Party, he never learns from his mistakes.

1975 – Nine years previously the Jehovah’s Witnesses publication ran an article that claimed that the fall of 1975 would be 6,000 years after creation, and, therefore, the end, shortchanging Pierre d’Ailly by 1,000 years. They also aren’t any more accurate than d’Ailly. Strike three.

1981 – Calvary Chapel founder Chuck Smith predicts the baby boomers will be the last generation. The boomers’ parents wish their generation had been the last.

1982 Mar 10 – John Gribbin says Jupiter’s gravity will tear the Earth apart. Like Jeane Dixon, he fails to explain why previous alignments hadn’t already done so.

1985 – Minister Lester Sumrall writes a book titled I Predict 1985. The next year, he publishes a book titled Oops 1986.

1988 – Former NASA engineer Edgar C. Whisenant writes 88 Reasons Why the Rapture Could Be in 1988 explaining that the Rapture of Revelation will occur between 11 and 13 September 1988.

1988 – On 3 October, Edgar C. Whisenant: realizes he should have postponed publication.

1989 Edgar C. Whisenant’s book is sold with 1988 scratched out and 1989 written in magic marker.

1990 – New Age guruess Elizabeth Clare Prophet, getting carried away with her name, says a 12-year-long nuclear war will start on 23 April. She has her followers to build a shelter filled with food and weapons. Eight years later, she is diagnosed with Alzheimer’s.

1990 – Pat Robertson publishes The New Millennium, which insists destruction will occur on 29 April 2007.

1991 – Rabbi Menachem Mendel Schneerson says the Messiah will arrive at Rosh Hashana. It turns out that the sound of the coming was just a badly tuned shofar.

1991 – Louis Farrakhan mistakes the Gulf War for the Battle of Armageddon.

1993 – David Berg, unfazed by his survival of Comet Kohoutek, gets it wrong again.

1994 Sep 6 – Harold Camping tries for the first time.

1994 Sep 29 – Harold Camping: strike two.

1994 Oct 2 – Harold Camping: strike three. He’s no better than Armstrong, the Witlesses or the Tea Party.

1995 Mar 31 – Harold Camping proves he’s no better than the Millerites.

1996 – Psychic Sheldon Nidre foresees the arrival of angels in 16 million space ships. He fails to explain why angels need to ride in UFOs.

1997 Mar 26 – Marshall Applewhite and Heaven’s Gate suicides. Proof that stupidity should be the national sport.

1997 Oct 23 – James Ussher, who calculated the time, day and year of the creation, says this would be the end (6000 years after creation).

1998 – Taiwanese cult leader Hon-Ming Chen, says God will come to Earth in a flying saucer at 10:00 am on 31 March. Not only that, but – Surprise! Surprise! God would look exactly like Hon-Ming Chen! How convenient! Supposedly, Chen would be “translated to heaven” so he wouldn’t be mistaken for a deity. On 25 March God was to appear on channel 18 on every TV set in the US. On 25 March, channel 18 in my hometown ran a Gilligan’s Island marathon.

1999 – In a banner year for End Times predictions, The Amazing Criswell says “lights out” would be on 18 August. He had also predicted that Plan 9 From Outer Space .would be a blockbuster hit and the breakout movie of 1959.

1999 – Language maven Charles Berlitz has the what, but not the how. He does say that it may involve nuclear devastation, asteroid impact, pole shift, other earth changes or sloppy enunciation.

1999 – After failing to be recognized as a deity last year, Hon-Ming Chen predicts a nuclear war.

1999 – Yale University President Timothy Dwight IV sees Christ’s millennium beginning.

2000 – Many expect the end of the world or horrible disasters (Y2K) to greet New Years’ Day on another round number, including Isaac Newton, Jerry Falwell, Tim LaHaye, Jerry Jenkins, Edgar Cayce, Sun Myung Moon Johnathan Edwards and the thousands of saps who built bunkers and hoarded MREs. Lester Sumrall publishes I Predict 2000.

2007 – Pat Robertson’s 1990 prediction for 29 April, like everything else he says, is wrong (What? People still listen to this senile old fart?). Nothing is mentioned on The 700 Club.

2008 – Starting up the Large Hadron Collider on 10 September will produce micro black holes that will eventually swallow the Earth. Construction delays postpone doomsday until 30 March 2010. After several years of operation, no holes yet.

2008 Nov 4 – Barack Obama (the Antichrist) elected President of the US. Republican and fundie heads explode, their world ends.

2009 – Tea Party starts a five-year whine that having a Kenyan Muslim Socialist Fascist liberal tyrant commie member of a radical Black Christian church in the White House means the United States, if not the whole world, is doomed.

2011 May 21 – Harold Camping rides again.

2011 Oct 21 – Harold Camping proves you can’t keep an old fool down. Claims that the May date was just the judgement and this date would be the end.

2012 – José Luis de Jesús, founder of Miami’s Growing In Grace International Ministry, says that governments and economies will collapse on 30 June and he and his followers will gain the ability to fly and walk through walls. Since 1 July 2012, de Jesús has been in a coma due to head injuries sustained trying to fly through a wall.

2012 Nov 6 – Obama re-elected; fundies shocked that he hasn’t revealed his horns, tail and pitchfork. Some suspect that he has no reflection.

2012- Various gullible idiots, not content with one mythology’s failed predictions, turn to misinterpreting the religion of the Mayans, about which most of them know nothing, and, spurred by a really crappy movie, decide the world will fall apart on 21 December. Other than the death of Iron Butterfly bassist Lee Dorman, nothing significant happens that day.

2012- Warren Jeffs, the Fundamentalist Mormon leader, wants something to look forward to other than a life+20-year prison sentence, declares the end on 23 December..

2012- Eight days later, Warren Jeffs blames his prediction’s failure on his followers’ “lack of faith”.

2013 Oct 1 – Government enacts Affordable Care Act; Republicans shut down government in hopes of ending the world. Shocked to find out that the rest of the world doesn’t care.

2013 Oct 7 – Michele Bachman blames the end times on President Obama, not realizing that as the Antichrist, he plays a vital role in the Second Coming.

2020 – Jeane Dixon tries again. After the failure of her 1962 prediction, she settled on a date when she knew she probably wouldn’t be around to be embarrassed by it.

5,000,000,000 – Various scientists anticipate the sun will expand into a red giant and engulf the Earth. That’s hard to argue with.

5.000.000.001 – The Tea Party blames the death of the sun on President Obama.

-E.A. Blair

___

The Michele Bachmann source photograph is a Creative Commons licensed image from photographer Gage Skidmore.

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Pastor Punishes Gay Church Member Because Other Members of the Congregation Are Bigots


Pastor Punishes Gay Church Member Because Other Members of the Congregation Are Bigots
By Hemant Mehta
Pastor Mark Brewer of Crosspoint Wesleyan Church in Fredericton, New Brunswick had to deal with a potential crisis this past week.

One of the finest members of his church, 20-year-old Colin Briggs, had been a camp counselor and church volunteer for a couple of years. He even went on a mission trip to Haiti in 2011.

Colin Briggs in Haiti (The New Brunswick Beacon)

 

But he’s gay. And there was a chance that some of the older members of the congregation wouldn’t take that news very well if they ever found out.

So Brewer met with Briggs a few days ago to let him know that, if the church members ever bothered him about his sexuality, Brewer would offer his support and defend Briggs’ character. That’s what their church’s mission was all about, after all: becoming “fully devoted followers of Jesus.”

I’m just kidding. Of course I’m kidding. You know I’m kidding.

Pastor Mark Brewer asked Briggs to stop by the church on September 18 for a meeting. The youth pastor, Nathalie Estey, was also present.

To his shock, they asked Briggs to stop his volunteer activities. They said he was welcome to continue attending church services.

“We felt it would be in the best interest of him and the church if he stopped serving,” said Brewer. This would “avoid any potential uproar that may be caused if families were to find out an openly gay male was working in the children’s ministry.”

And what would be so wrong if people in the church found out he was gay, anyway?

He hesitated, then said, “Having an openly gay male working in the children’s ministry may cause some parents to feel uncomfortable.”

Ah. There we go. Brewer’s concern is that some people in the church might ignorantly link homosexuality with pedophilia… and, instead of correcting their false assumptions, he decided the best option would be to just tell Briggs he couldn’t volunteer at the church anymore.

It’s kind of like when Jesus told the tax collectors and prostitutes, “Get out of here before you make me look bad!”

It’s like that Christian saying: Love the sinner, hate the sin, and then start over and make the sinner feel like shit.

I can’t believe the pastor has no desire at all to correct his congregations’ bigoted thinking. His immediate solution is to make sure no gay person ever represents his church in public. Briggs is still welcome to attend the church, Brewer added.

Because, you know, if Briggs wants to keep tithing, they’ll be glad to have him.

The church hasn’t responded to this article yet, but readers are letting them have it on their Facebook page.

Slimy Baptist Predator Preys on Vulnerable Teenage Girl | Jesus, the Sex Fiends Creepy Wingman


Jack Schaap, Indiana Pastor, Claimed Jesus Wanted Him To Have Sex With Teenage Girl

By Meredith Bennett-Smith

Jack Schaap Pastor Teenage Sex
A disgraced Indiana megachurch leader who seduced his teenage parishioner evidently told her Jesus wanted them to have sex.

As part of the government’s sentencing memorandum, federal prosecutors this week released incriminating letters between Jack Schaap, the former pastor of First Baptist Church of Hammond, Ind., and his teen victim.

“In our ‘fantasy talk,’ you have affectionately spoken of being ‘my wife,’” Schaap wrote in one letter, according to the Chicago Sun-Times. “That is exactly what Christ desires for us. He wants to marry us + become eternal lovers!”

WATCH Schaap’s sermon in the video below

Schaap, 55, was fired by his church in July, according to the Associated Press. He eventually pleaded guilty to the federal charge of taking a minor across state lines with intent to engage in criminal sexual activity.

The scandal has shocked the Hammond church’s 15,000 members, who elected Schaap their pastor in 2001. The father of two was described as a “magnetic” and “charismatic” preacher, according to CBS. He was also married to the daughter of the church’s former pastor.

The inappropriate relationship between Schaap and the 17-year-old, however, was discovered when a church deacon saw on Schaap’s cellphone a picture of Schaap and the teenager kissing. According to court documents the relationship began when the victim was one week shy of her 17th birthday.

“I’m surprised that this happened,” former church member Cherise Williams told Fox Chicago affiliate WFLD 32 back in July. “The pastor made an error – obviously made a mistake … He was a charismatic leader, and he helped a lot of people in their struggles. Obviously there’s still a fondness there for him. The one thing we want to be sure we bring is reconciliation to him and his wife.”

While the Times of Northwest Indiana reports that multiple letters of support have been sent to Schaap’s sentencing judge, U.S. District Court Judge Rudy Lozano, the victim told the court that the relationship has left her reeling.

“He told me to confide in him, to trust him, and he made me feel safe and comfortable around him as a man of God,” she wrote in a letter to the court, according to the Sun-Times. “(Schaap) preyed on that trust and my vulnerability.”

Prosecutors said Schaap “groomed” the girl before becoming intimate with her, counseling her and texting with her frequently — 662 times in one month, according to phone records.

Sentencing in the case was schedule for Thursday.

WATCH Former First Baptist Church pastor Jack Schaap preaching an energetic sermon incorporating hunting implements at his church’s 2010 Youth Conference.

Religion Aids Criminals Justify Their Crimes


New Study Suggests Religion May Help Criminals Justify Their Crimes

By Justin Peters

An inmate reads his bible.

An inmate reads his bible at the minimum-security facility known as the Carol Vance Unit, March 24, 2001, near Houston, Texas.
Photo by Joe Raedle/Newsmakers

In 1996, noted criminologist Jewel asked a question that has long haunted those hoodlums prone to pondering the existential consequences of their actions: “Who will save your souls after those lies that you told, boy?” For generations of American crooks, the answer has been “religious do-gooders.” As a 2006 Federal Bureau of Prisons report put it, “faith groups have become involved in offering formal programs within prison to bring about not only the spiritual salvation of the inmates but their rehabilitation in the profane world as well.” The idea is that spiritual rebirth may help tame the criminal impulse, and set wild hearts on the straight and narrow.

Maybe not. A new study in the academic journal Theoretical Criminology (hat tip to the Vancouver Sun) suggests that, far from causing offenders to repent of their sins, religious instruction might actually encourage crime. The authors surveyed 48 “hardcore street offenders” in and around Atlanta, in hopes of determining what effect, if any, religion has on their behavior. While the vast majority of those surveyed (45 out of 48 people) claimed to be religious, the authors found that the interviewees “seemed to go out of their way to reconcile their belief in God with their serious predatory offending. They frequently employed elaborate and creative rationalizations in the process and actively exploit religious doctrine to justify their crimes.”

First of all, many interviewees had only a vague notion of the central tenets of their faiths. Take, for example, an 18-year-old robber whose “street name” was Que:

Que: I believe in God and the Bible and stuff. I believe in Christmas, and uh, you know the commitments and what not.

Int: You mean the Commandments?

Que: Yeah that. I believe in that.

Int: Can you name any of them?

Que: Ahhh … well, I don’t know … like don’t steal, and uh, don’t cheat and shit like that. Uhmm … I can’t remember the rest.

Often, the authors found, these knowledge gaps were self-serving. “God has to forgive everyone, even if they don’t believe in him,” insisted one 33-year-old enforcer for a drug gang, with a vested interest in avoiding damnation for the murders he had committed. A 23-year-old robber called Young Stunna suggested that the circumstances of his upbringing would absolve him of his crimes: “Jesus knows I ain’t have no choice, you know? He know I got a decent heart. He know I’m stuck in the hood and just doing what I gotta do to survive.”

Indeed, many of those surveyed used their understandings of faith to justify their own criminal behavior. A 25-year-old drug dealer called Cool suggested that God doesn’t mind when you do bad things to bad people:

Also another thing is this; if you doing some wrong to another bad person, like if I go rob a dope dealer or a molester or something, then it don’t count against me because it’s like I’m giving punishment to them for Jesus. That’s God’s will. Oh you molested some kids? Well now I’m [God] sending Cool over your house to get your ass.

In the end, the authors found, “there is reason to believe that these rationalizations and justifications may play a criminogenic role in their decision making.”

A couple points. First, this is a really small sample size, and it’s possible that if the authors had surveyed more people over a broader geographical area, their results would have been different. Second, as the authors themselves acknowledge, criminals certainly aren’t the only ones who tend to misunderstand religious teachings, or to contort them for their own benefit. Granted, there aren’t usually violent consequences when your Aunt Sue misunderstands something in the Bible; the worst that happens is that she’s just a little more unbearable at Thanksgiving dinner. But, still, the Theoretical Criminology study shouldn’t be interpreted as conclusive evidence that faith-based outreach and rehabilitation programs are worthless.

But the point is, neither is there conclusive evidence that religion on its own actually helps rehabilitate criminals. This becomes a policy question when we’re talking about prisons. As that Bureau of Prisons report put it, while “religious programs in the correctional setting have been the single most common form of institutional programming for inmates,” nobody really knows whether those programs are effective. There’s not much good data. People tend to use tautological arguments to support religion-based rehabilitation programs. That’s not good enough. If we’re going to talk about whether religion helps rehabilitate criminals, we need to insist on data. Don’t just take it on faith.

More Liars for Jesus, Concerning Sex


More Liars for Jesus, Concerning Sex

Moses vs Santa Claus (for those who are yet to see it) and other hilarities


Moses vs Santa Claus (for those who are yet to see it) and other hilarities

No intro needed. Just pretty funny!

 

And while you’re here, this is sheer genius:

 

And more genius (Jesus as a racist):

 

And Charlie Brooker on the Pope resigning:

 

And finally, this is sheer brilliance (if you are easily offended by swearing, stay clear):

 

 

– See more at: http://skepticink.com/tippling/2013/02/28/moses-vs-santa-claus-for-those-who-are-yet-to-see-it/#sthash.vAV5m0vB.dpuf

Holy Shit! Man Claims Jesus Appears In Bird Poop on His Car!


Man Claims the Bird Poop on His Car Looks Like Jesus
By Hemant Mehta
… and he has a point:

 

[Jim] Lawry was in the driveway of his parent’s Brooklyn, Ohio home when he noticed the spot left behind by a passing bird. A closer look gave him quite a surprise and left him amazed.

Lawry’s son, parents and friends all came out to look. They too were amazed.

In an email to NewsChannel5, Lawry said he believed it was some sort of sign and wanted to share.

Well, holy shit.

I thought for a moment that Jim was a skeptic who was just having a little pareidolia-ic fun… but his Facebook profile suggests that he’s totally serious about this being a sign from (*ahem*) above:

 

I want to know how long it takes before he gets another carwash. Because, um, ew.

(via Christian Nightmares)

All Children are Born Atheists


All Children are Born Atheists
Anyone who understands the definition of atheism must acknowledge that all children are born atheists, including those born to Christian parents. Atheism is nothing more than the lack of acceptance of the theistic belief claim (i.e., some god or gods exist). A theist is one who believes that god(s) exist; an atheist is one who does not share this belief. The newborn child cannot even entertain such possibilities and thus lacks theistic belief. Atheism is the default position, and this is where we all begin.

In order for Christians to argue against the reality that all children are born atheists, they must distort the meaning of atheism. They must convince themselves and their audience that atheism is a religion, a philosophy, or a worldview. They claim that atheism is an explicit repudiation of religion and that it involves faith that no gods exist. Such distortions in the meaning of atheism allow them to claim that children cannot be born atheist because atheism requires the same sort of deliberate choice required by religious belief.
Atheism is not a belief system but lack of acceptance of one particular belief. It requires no faith; it is the absence of faith. It is the null hypothesis, the default condition, the natural starting point for each of us.

But why must Christians distort the meaning of atheism at all? Why should they even care if their children are born atheists, especially when it is likely that they will begin brainwashing them at an early age? There are many reasons, ranging from a need to see the child as connected to them through the manner they consider most important (i.e., religion) to the harsh implications of infant mortality to their belief system.

To expand on this latter point, consider the Christian parent whose child dies before the child is capable of forming the cognitions necessary to comprehend theistic belief. According to this parent’s own Christian doctrine, this child is likely destined for hell. This is where non-believers go, and this child is clearly a non-believer. The Catholics toyed with limbo as a way out, but the evangelical Protestants now engaging in America’s “culture wars” never really warmed to this idea. Even theism will be insufficient for such a parent, as a personal relationship with Jesus is thought to be the only vehicle for salvation.

It should be remembered that Christians have created this doctrine for themselves and should be solely responsible for unraveling the many conundrums it presents. Distorting atheism is not an acceptable way out of the mess they have made.

Bullshit! On Mother Teresa


Calling BS on Mother Teresa

            Submitted by Marcel Gagne

Penn and Teller, with a little help from Christopher Hitchens, show us how you can take a culture of pain, misery, poverty, and suffering, and make it sound so good, you reward it with sainthood.

It’s amazing to think that a person like Mother Teresa can be seen as a force for good. Sort of like making pedophile priest sound like a force for good.

Of Islamists beheading people in god’s name sound like a good thing. The latter is relatively fast and brutal, the former takes time and stretches the suffering out over many years.

Which do you like best?

Crackpot Glenn Beck Salivates at Prospect of Civil War


Beck Provides More Insights into Obama’s Looming Civil War
Submitted by Kyle Mantyla

Earlier today we posted a clip of Glenn Beck warning that President Obama was trying to foment civil war in America and it was a topic he returned to on his radio broadcast this morning, explaining that since the moment Obama took office, he has been systematically pushing conservatives in an effort to get them to react violently while simultaneously constructing a narrative that blames conservatives for everything bad in the world, which will justify his crack down in response to the violent rebellion that he has intentionally provoked.

Then, just for good measure, Beck threw in some talk about Nazi death camps while proclaiming that he stands on the side of Gandhi, Martin Luther King, and Jesus:

Gay Scientists Isolate Christian Gene!


Gay scientists isolate gene for Christianity

We may soon have the tools to treat this condition that seems to inexplicably make some people Christians!

Christian Horse-Fondling School “Cures” Your Gayness


You Are Not Gay Anymore, Thanks To Horse-Fondling  School

Posted by Evan  Hurst

Mounties

When  you were born, there was always something different about you. When you were  little, you were interested in “girl things” like Barbie Dolls and learning.  When you were in high school and all the other boys were doing splashy-splashy in the pool with the girls, you were staying  in the water getting a boner of anticipation every time one of the guys hopped  out, just praying they’d forget to un-cling their swim trunks from their  glistening wet bodies for just a minute longer, because you were A Budding Gay.  You were upset about this because Religious Indoctrination, but that’s okay  because something came along and changed your life forever!

Yes, one day, after finding evidence of your secret gayness, your mom took  you to the Cowboy Church Of Virginia, where they taught you to relieve  yourself of wretched, wretched homosexuality by just straight up fondling some  horses:

An American church is promising gay men they will be cured of their  homosexuality if they stroke horses.

The Cowboy Church of Virginia, led by chief pastor Raymond Bell, believes  homosexuality and other ‘addictions’ can be cured by Equine Assisted  Psychotherapy.

Horse therapy, in the right hands, can be used to help overcome fears,  develop communication skills, and is generally beneficial to mental health.

But Bell says the horses in his church, a cowboy ranch in the  south,

As opposed to the horses in LIBERAL CHURCHES…

are part of teaching men to stop being gay and encourage them to be more  masculine.

[…]

Bell said he uses EAP to identify how a person got ‘involved’ in  homosexuality to begin with. For example, because of rape, abandonment, lacking  a male role model, abuse, and having low self-esteem.

Show me on the horse where you’d like Jesus to touch you.

Wayne Besen of the good old Truth Wins Out (where your Wonkette used to work  for, like, actual employment!) coined the phrase “pray away the gay” back in the  day, and is now having to add “neigh away the gay” to his toolbox of  phrases, which reminds us of a story we told a few weeks back about a Floridian man and his  love relationship with a mini-donkey named “Doodle.”

Unfortunately, the proper methods for using horse-fondling to relieve  yourself of gayness are not provided, so please don’t try this with your own  personal horse. You can’t just walk out in the pasture and pocket-rocket to  third base with the first whinnying love machine you see. For one thing, you  will get bitten or stomped on. No, this requires the work of licensed  professional heterosexual romance therapy horses, and the men of God who offer  them up for gay men to jerk them off or whatever, I don’t understand how Jesus  therapy works.

But anyway, that is the story of why you are not gay anymore, and also why  you spend so much time in your barn  after midnight, softly moaning to the sounds of pitter-pattering horseshoes and  Isaac Hayes on vinyl sexing your wife, in the vagina. [Gay Star News/Truth Wins Out]

America’s God Psychosis | A God That Kills Naughty “Little Children”


America’s God Psychosis | A God That Kills Naughty “Little Children”

          23 And he went up from thence unto Bethel: and as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head.

          24 And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the Lord. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them.— 2 kings 2:23-24

 

What Mike Huckabee and the American Religious Right will never tell you!

How a prophet pleads with god, who subsequently sends in lions to rip apart and slaughter a bunch of little children, because they made a bit of naughty speak (like no kids ever do that!)

Remember that crazy bible tale about how god killed a bunch of little kids for making fun of prophet Elisha’s baldness?

They don’t exactly teach this gem during Sunday school, that’s for damn sure.

Well, seems like someone made a pretty awesome video exposing this story for the twisted shit it really is, so enjoy!

Catholic Fascist Bill O’Reilly Hates Christians Who Aren’t Freaking Out Over FAKE WAR ON XMAS!


Bill O’Reilly Attacks Christians Who Aren’t Freaking Out About Non-Existent War on Christmas

Fox News’ Bill O’Reilly turns his crusade against his own people.

Police officers in Greece defend a christmas tree. Fox News’ War on Christmas has gone international.

An unlikely enemy in the War on Christmas emerged last night when four-star general Bill O’Reilly expanded the battleground into new territory: the churches of the “wimpy” pastors who haven’t stepped up to defend the holy holiday.

That’s right–O’Reilly has turned his attention away from the immoral (a.k.a. atheist) liberal media and is now attacking members of his own camp for not taking the war seriously enough.

On his Fox News show last night, O’Reilly spoke with pastor Robert Jeffress, one of the few Christmas-warmongering pastors in what they say is a sea of reformist religious leaders.

When O’Reilly asked Jeffress why so few pastors have voiced the appropriate outrage at this war on the holiday, Jeffress replied: “Wimpy pastors produce wimpy Christians, and that is why we are losing this culture war and I believe it’s time for pastors to say, you know, ‘I don’t care about controversy, I don’t care whether I’m going to lose church members, I don’t care about building a big church, I’m going to stand for truth regardless of what happens.’”

What is that truth, you might ask? According to Jeffress, it is debunking the myth that Jesus was a non-confrontational man. Instead, Christians and their religious leaders need to stop being “wimpy” and take up the fight against the ACLU to protect their right to flood the radio stations with bell-clanging Christmas music, to demand that everyone wish them a “Merry Christmas” (for what is more wimpy than a mere “Happy Holidays”?), to worship Jesus and one-day-only 50-percent-off sales on every street corner across America. To, in short, celebrate Christmas!

O’Reilly’s bold new strategy to persecute those on the Christian home front who are insufficiently outraged about the war is almost certain to backfire. Apathy in the ranks is–as history instructs us–often a result of war fatigue or low morale, and attacking these dissidents rarely strengthens the overall resolve. Then again, since this war is entirely fictional, the repercussions are, well, also non-existent.

According to conservative radio host Don Imus, “There’s no War on Christmas, I mean it’s absurd.”

The liberal media, unsurprisingly, agrees with Imus’s opinion.

As The Huffington Post’s Jason Linkins writes, “No holiday is as well accommodated in America as Christmas. It is perhaps one of the best celebrated religious holidays in the history of mankind. You have to go back to antiquity to find more lavish celebrations — like, say, the inaugural games of the Roman Colosseum, which lasted 100 days because the Romans wanted to pull out all the stops to appease the gods they literally believed wanted to kill them all with plagues and volcanoes.”

Then again, that’s just those warmongering liberals using their latest military strategy: the silent game.

The twist, of course, is that the War on Christmas is becoming fairly profitable–although by no means as profitable as Christmas is. Yet, these profit margins are a major motivation for the warmongers to continue battling. As Herb Silverman of the (suspiciously anti-Christmas group) Secular Coalition for America writes, “The much-ballyhooed “War on Christmas” has become a predictable holiday tradition, with Fox News as both director and producer of this manufactured war, presumably for better ratings. Comedians also love the war material they have to play with, so both Fox and comedians have become war profiteers.”

I guess, then, that the war is sort of like Santa: Omnipresent and increasingly jolly, whether we believe in it or not.

Watch O’Reilly and pastor Jeffress’ new attack on their own ranks:

Schizophrenia | The Disease of the Christian Mind


Schizophrenia: The Disease of the Christian Mind?

Posted by Fed Up American

People diagnosed with schizophrenia suffer from problems with their thought processes. These lead to hallucinations, delusions, disordered thinking, and unusual speech or behavior. Symptoms affect the ability to interact with others, and often people with schizophrenia withdraw from the outside world.

Q. What’s the difference between a Christian and a schizophrenic?

A. One person hears voices and is convinced their thoughts and actions are known to some outside power.

They think the world was designed and created for them and that they are central to everything that goes on and they are sure they are part of a special divine mission.

They believe that ordinary everyday events have some special transcendent meaning visible only to them, sometimes speaking in babbling incoherent voices, and they believe supernatural forces are at work to influence their actions.

And the other one, of course, is a schizophrenic.

The Bible is filled with reports of people hearing voices and seeing visions. In the pre-psychiatric world that Jesus allegedly walked upon, these “miracles” were attributed to their God. Combine a superstitious person, which most of the day were, with a psychiatric disorder as serious as schizophrenia and you have a very volatile and dangerous situation.

A dangerous situation that has morphed itself into a monster centuries later. The Christian of the modern day, especially the devout Christian that believes that the voices and visions mentioned in the Bible are real, have accepted the schizophrenia and superstitions of the people of Jesus era.

They even go as far as to sing praises to this fairy tale God of theirs, with arms raised and vacant, glassy stares to the heavens, believing that there is a magical, mystical being that is looking down, approvingly at them.

There is a very big problem with Christian delusions accompanied by auditory and visual hallucinations. They live in a world of make believe that is responsible for centuries of fear, guilt, death and destruction of families. Christian atrocities throughout history include the crusades, the Salem witch trials and various episodes of torture all in the name of the Christian God and mass hallucinations and religious belief.

Politicians have been heavily influenced in basing their legislative decisions, ignoring the separation of church and state, on their religious beliefs and insurance companies have been using the “act of God” clause to get out of paying claims. People have been accepting these things for centuries and need to finally wake up and face reality.

Schizophrenia is a lifelong illness and will require medication for the rest of the patient’s life. They find comfort in church services and fellow Christians that share their same hallucinations and delusions, by their beliefs in things that can never be proven as real. This is a problem because they will revolve their entire lives around a make believe story. They will even go as far as believing that they are superior compared to a non-believer because they feel as though they are chosen or more enlightened.

Schizophrenia is a treatable mental illness and will undoubtedly get worse the longer it goes untreated. Trying to convince a Christian that they are suffering the symptoms is the problem. They don’t believe that they are sick and need medical treatment.

Look at it this way. Let’s suppose that I came to you one day and said that I was enlightened last night by an angel that told me that I will have “life everlasting” by simply believing so. The only condition is that I must always believe, even when evidence points to the contrary, or I will lose my life everlasting “gift.” The belief would be that I discovered that a story of Humpty Dumpty, complete with all the kings’ horses and all the kings’ men, was based on real accounts of a story by Mother Goose. I found these stories to be as real as the story Mother Mary and will not be told anything to the contrary.

Would you not find me as being a mental case?

Mitt Romney’s Insane Mormon Apocalypse Rant Caught on Video | In Mormon Prophecy Jesus To Rule the World From Missouri


Mitt Romney rants about his Mormon faith during a commercial break of radio interview (VIDEO)

Watch Mitt Romney Explain How Jesus Will Reign for 1,000 Years When He Returns, in Jerusalem. and Missouri.

Doubtless, all the Jews that aren’t killed off by then, have converted to Mormonism!

Video emerges of Romney citing the thinking of a wildly fringe conspiracy theorist and his belief in the strange intricacies of the Mormon faith.

Watch Mitt Romney get in a heated exchange with a radio host from a radio interview in 2008 about where Jesus will reign and rule over the Earth for 1,000 years — in Jerusalem and Missouri. Romney displays deep familiarity with the thinking of a Mormon hermit-conspiracy theorist Cleon Skousen, who was also Glenn Beck’s great inspiration .

 

Mitt Romney rants about his Mormon faith during a commercial break of radio interview (VIDEO)

In a radio interview Governor Mitt Romney got irate while talking about his Mormon faith. The radio host made the interview into a religious interview and Mitt Romney became upset.

Mitt Romney began ranting about Mormonism during a commercial break during a radio interview with Richard Dawkins before walking out of the studio.

Do you feel as though the radio host pushed him overboard or could Mitt Romney have handled the situation any different?

Top 10 Embarrassments of the Mormon Cult


Top 10 Embarrassments of the Mormon Religion
by Zabrina

Mormonism is a religion less than two centuries old, but in this short time it has managed to accrue a long list of embarrassments which the church leaders would prefer were kept silent. These embarrassments range from textual inaccuracies to scandals in the life of the founder, Joseph Smith. Of all religions, it’s difficult to believe this one has caught on given the long list of embarrassments that follows!

10

False Book
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Embarrassment: Book of Abraham

The Book of Abraham, one of the central texts of Mormonism, is a poor translation of Egyptian papyri. Fragments of the original text were found and studied by renowned historians with credentials and experience. These experts discovered the fragments to be scraps of funeral spells used to help spirits move on to the afterlife. There were no resemblances between the text and the supposedly divinely-inspired translation that Smith invented. As well as the mainstream Mormon church, other related churches, such as the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, still believe it to be a canon work that represents the will of God. Apologists for the Book claim that modern Egyptologists are simply translating the text wrong – basically meaning that Joseph Smith is the only human to have lived who understood Egyptian hieroglyphics correctly (aside from the Egyptians themselves of course).

9

Martyr or Coward?

Carthage-Jail-Gun

Embarrassment: Smith’s death – suicide, heroic, or somewhere in between?

Some say that Joseph Smith, founder of Mormonism, fought back bravely against attackers, but others believe he committed suicide by jumping out of a window. A few things are certain – he shot and was shot, and at some point, fell out of a window. He used a smuggled pistol to shoot at a mob and did not die a martyr’s death in any case, as is claimed by many Mormons. There is quite a stark contrast between Christian martyrs who – in virtually every case – trusted God enough to welcome their death and Joseph Smith who so lacked belief in his own “religion” that he was terrified of dying.

8

Missing History
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Embarrassment: No archaeological evidence

The claims made by the Book of Mormon mention specific tools, technologies, crops, and animals that simply didn’t exist in those regions at the times stated. For example, horses, cattle, sheep, and swine weren’t roaming between 2500 BC and 400 AD, as claimed. Most of these species were introduced in 1493 by Christopher Columbus. Similarly, barley and wheat weren’t grown, iron and steel weren’t being produced, and systems of weight and measurement such as the Mormons claim existed simply aren’t supported by archaeological evidence.

7

Plagiarism

400Px-The Hill Cumorah By C.C.A. Christensen

Embarrassment: Plagiarism of the King James Bible

There are specific quotes in the Book of Mormon that are found in the King James Bible and other modern works that Joseph Smith had access to. For example, Alma 5:52 is identical almost word-for-word to Matthew 3:10. Smith plagiarized 478 verses from the book of Isaiah, and 201 are identical to the King James Bible. If this book were truly divinely inspired, it wouldn’t have been pieced together from pieces of the books that Smith read!

6

Mormon Underwear
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Embarrassment: Magical underpants

The temple garments worn by Mormons supposedly provide protection against temptation and sins. They are even credited with saving people’s lives during natural disasters in Mormon urban legends, which is ridiculous to most people without supernatural beliefs in magical clothes. They are seen as sacred and cannot be removed unless absolutely necessary, but then should be put on again as soon as possible. One wonders whether Mitt Romney’s underwear is “Mormon-approved.”

5
Polygamy
Polygamy1

Embarrassment: Polygamy – now it’s valid, now it isn’t?

The first forty years of Mormonism involved plural marriage, a form of harem-keeping by men who were taught by Joseph Smith that it was a doctrine worth following. Smith then proceeded to marry half a dozen women in 1843, yet he denied to the public that he practiced this polygamy. He had at least forty wives in his lifetime, some of whom were thirteen years old, and Brigham Young had fifty wives. Now, the modern view is that polygamy is unacceptable, which seems to be a revelation brought about by the illegality of polygamy. The Mormon god can has changed his mind, it seems!

4

Lost Text
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Embarrassment: First translation mysteriously lost

The Book of Mormon, when first translated, was given to a friend who supposedly lost them. Joseph Smith should have been able to retranslate them from his “golden tablets” – the original source of this book – and yet he found an excuse to avoid this. He said that they were not allowed to be in the Book of Mormon anymore, clearly because if the original were to be found and compared with the new translation, the inconsistencies in the text he made up would be discovered. Pictured above are seven lines that Smith claimed he copied directly from the mysterious (and missing) golden tablets on which he said the Book of Mormon was written.

3

False Witnesses

8Witnesses

Embarrassment: Witnesses were excommunicated

Two groups of witnesses supposedly saw the translation of the Book of Mormon, yet they were all excommunicated after disagreements with Smith. It seems the first group of three witnesses found it too much of a hoax to stay in the church after witnessing this, so a second group needed to be found. These eight men signed statements claiming to have seen and handled the golden plates, though it was later revealed that they hadn’t actually done so. In other words, Smith forced them to lie about seeing the plates.

2

Stolen Rituals

Embarrassment: Stolen temple rituals

Symbols and rituals for Mormon temples were stolen from Freemasonry. Some of these rituals include the symbols on the “magic underpants” worn by Mormons, a secret handshake that Freemasons exchange somehow becoming the handshake people must give angels in order to enter the highest heavenly kingdom, and more. Joseph Smith was expelled from the Freemasons for this theft, though he still tried to appeal to the Masons in the mob that came to kill him by giving the first words of a Mason signal of distress, abandoning his created faith in his last moments.

1

Slaughter of Innocents

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Embarrassment: Mountain Meadows Massacre

In the Mountain Meadows Massacre of 1857, a gang of Mormons banded up to attack a wagon train of families from Arkansas on their way to California. The aggressors pretended to be Native Americans so they could achieve a political goal, and when they feared discovery by the victims, murdered about 120 men, women, and children over the age of seven in order to avoid leaving witnesses to testify as to who was really behind the attacks.

These embarrassments add up to a damning conclusion: Joseph Smith managed to string along his followers for decades, and even today, churches and communities exist that believe these ridiculous fantasies. The embarrassments listed above are just the beginning for the Mormon community, who would just as soon explain away each reason to doubt their deeply-held convictions – a sad state of affairs for any logical human being.

101 Insane, Crazy and Secretive Beliefs of Mormons


   by the Mormon Zombie
101 Nonpublic or Weird Beliefs of Mormons

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This post is less about what the LDS church teaches publicly or in writing, and more about what is often not publicly admitted to, whether still believed or not, and about some of the crazier things Mormons come to believe when embedded in Mormon culture.  Though not categorized, some of these are doctrinal, others hearsay over the pulpit from apostles or leaders, and others adopted by more orthodox Mormons.

1.         Polygamy is still doctrinal in heaven and included in LDS scripture.  See D&C 132

2.         Sports should not be played on Sunday

3.         TV or movies should not be viewed on Sunday (except Church or “happy” media)

4.         Children should not be allowed to play with friends on Sunday

5.         Working on Sunday is strictly discouraged and really only not looked down on if you’re an emergency response personnel, or other on-call emergency type jobs (doctors, police, firemen, nurses etc)

6.         Rated R movies should be strictly avoided

7.         10% of your gross income (tithing) needs to be paid to the bishop/church before you pay for any other financial obligations, bills, food or other purchases

8.         Coffee and tea are prohibited even though they aren’t specifically referenced by doctrine

9.         For some families, all caffeinated drinks and sodas are prohibited

10.       If you have dark skin and convert to Mormonism, your skin will begin to lighten/whiten

11.       You become a God/Goddess and are given powers to create your own worlds without number

12.       You should not be alone in a room or car with a member of the opposite sex to “avoid even the appearance of evil”

13.       Beer is prohibited even though it is scripturally allowed (D&C 89:17) “…and barley for all useful animals, and for mild drinks, as also other grain”  Beer was openly consumed in Utah by Mormons until Prohibition made it unpopular and the practice ceased.

14.       The Garden of Eden was in Missouri when Adam and Eve were kicked out

15.       All saints are to return to Missouri before the final arrival of Jesus for the Second Coming.  Some believe this exodus back to Missouri would be on foot.

16.       Two LDS Elders or Missionaries will stand and protect the city of Jerusalem during Armageddon, as spoken of in Revelations and D&C 77:15

17.       Native Americans are the descendants of the Lamanites spoken of in the Book of Mormon

18.       The LDS Temple marriage is considered superior to all other religious marriage ceremonies and must be obtained if you want to be with your spouse in the after life.  Not married in the temple?  Too bad, no spouse/partner in the after life.

19.       Love isn’t as strong between couples and families who are not LDS

20.       Follow the prophet or leaders even if you think they are wrong

21.       Criticism of prophets or leaders will lead you towards apostasy

22.       Don’t use Ouija boards, face cards or tarot cards.  They are of the devil.

23.       The US Constitution will hang by a thread and be saved by LDS Elders before the 2nd coming

24.       Women were discouraged from wearing pants up until the late ’60s or ’70s

25.       3 Nephites still rome the Earth from Christ’s visit to the America’s, blessed by Him to not experience death until his second coming

26.       The moon will literally turn to blood during second coming crisis

27.       Heavenly Mother/Goddess exists, but she/them are too sacred to discuss and cannot be worshiped or prayed to

28.       Only Mormon’s can go to the highest degree of heaven, which is why proxy ordinances are done in LDS temples for as many dead people as LDS Inc can get their hands on

29.       Kids or babies who die before reaching 8 years old are perfect and automatically get into heaven

30.       Missionaries can curse people by dusting their feet off as a witness to them rejecting the gospel

31.       Satan has power over the oceans, lakes and rivers which is why LDS Missionaries are not allowed to swim

32.       Satan can’t read your thoughts so praying silently can help keep some of your secrets from him

33.       Dating is strictly prohibited until you’re 16 and then only group dating is allowed or encouraged until you can marry after your mission or marry a return missionary

34.       Doctrinal polygamy gives the 1st wife authority to reject any prospects she doesn’t like.  This was never really practiced though.

35.       Women who fail to marry in the temple during their life will be assigned a worthy spouse in the hereafter and likely as a sister wife with a harem of women

36.       Black people bear the curse of Cain and were born black because they were less valiant in the pre-existence (pre-Earth life) and sat on the fence as to whether to follow Satan/Lucifer or Jesus

37.       Cremation will make being resurrected harder, having to recollect all of your atoms/molecules from where ever they were spread

38.       God the father is only one of millions or endless Gods who are all basically relatives, fathers, brothers, grand-gods and so forth to our own God.  If we’re worthy, we get to join the God club too.

39.       From the polygamy days, a man had to have at least 2 wives to get into the highest degree of heaven

40.       A woman’s purpose in heaven is solely to birth endless babies to populate the worlds created by their husbands.  Billions and billions of babies!

41.       Gestation is still 9 months in heaven

42.       You are better off dying trying to fend off a rapist than to survive as a victim of rape, your virginity forever stolen from you

43.       Temple garments or underwear will protect you from physical harm or the grasp of Satan

44.       Girls can only have one piercing in each ear.  No piercings allowed by boys/men.

45.       Tattoos are a big no-no and should never be allowed to defile your bodies.  If you have tattoos when you convert, you may be encouraged to pay for laser removal at your own expense.

46.       Flip-flops are not to be worn in the church building

47.       All forms of birth control (condoms, pills, etc) are discouraged and the couple should allow as many children into their home as God decides to send them

48.       The Earth was not created by God, but by Jesus and Michael/Adam as taught in the LDS Temple endowment ceremony

49.       Secret hand shakes, keywords and signs are provided in the Temple endowment as passwords and keys to get back into heaven, like a kids club where only those with the secret passwords can get in

50.       The church partners with Boy Scouts of America for the development of males but does not endorse nor partner with the Girl Scout programs or similar female development programs

51.       The Holy Ghost is threatened or turned away by bars, clubs and “dirty” places so will not protect you or guide you if you choose to enter such filthy places

52.       Mormon Garments must be worn day and night, only removed for sex, showering and some sporting activities

53.       Women must wear their bras and panties over their garments, as the garment should be the layer closest to the skin for maximum protection

54.       If you’re not a Mormon, or are unworthy without a temple recommend, you get excluded from the Temple wedding ceremony of loved ones, kids, siblings or best friends

55.       Mormon’s do feel there is something special about them, or that they are better than non-mormons.  Having the ultimate “truth” does that to people.

56.       Masturbation is a sexual sin/transgression and seen as cheating on your existing or future spouse

57.       Sexual transgression is a sin next to murder in God’s eyes

58.       Jesus atoned for our sins in the Garden of Gethsemane, not on the cross

59.       Jesus wasn’t born of a virgin.  God had natural sex with Mary to impregnate Jesus

60.       You can’t get into heaven without Joseph Smith’s permission

61.       You can visit loved ones in lower kingdoms, but you cannot visit higher kingdoms of heaven if you didn’t merit it yourself, though they can visit you (see D&C 76)

62.       You can tell the difference between a good angel, bad angel or resurrected being by their willingness or ability to shake your hand

63.       No rainbows shall appear during the year before Jesus’ second coming

64.       If you’ve had a sex change, you cannot ever hold any callings/jobs in the church and only get baptized at the express permission of the First Presidency/prophet

65.       Role playing games, like D&D, are also evil

66.       Dinosaur fossils are to test our faith, and likely came from matter left over from past destroyed planets that were used/recycled to create Earth

67.       When a prophet or leader errors, it was because he was acting as a man and not as a prophet.  There’s no indication until after the fact as to whether he was acting as one or the other, so you should always presume he’s acting as prophet until proven otherwise

68.       Free agency and choice is revered, but don’t make the wrong choice or we will judge, look down on and guilt you until you either stop making said wrong choices

69.       Once the prophet or brethren have spoken, the thinking has been done.  Don’t question it.

70.       When someone leaves the church, it is God’s way of separating the wheat (good mormons) from the chaff (bad, evil apostates)

71.       Jesus was supposed to come in the year 2000, that is until he didn’t

72.       God is a resurrected, extra terrestrial, exalted human male who lives on a planet near a star called Kolob.  See Book of Abraham, chapter 3 in Pearl of Great Price

73.       Even though Jesus had a beard, we aren’t allowed to have facial hair while attending the Lord’s University, BYU, and are discouraged or flat out not allowed to have facial hair in high up leadership positions, despite early leaders all having beards

74.       The LDS Temple questions somewhat encourage the shunning or disassociating with anyone who is anti, apostate, or against the church.  This may include family members, close relatives or best friends if they end up leaving the church.

75.       The “Inspired” Joseph Smith translation of the bible is more correct than the KJV

76.       Joseph Smith’s money digging and glass looking were actually God’s way of preparing him for his role as a prophet and revelator.

77.       Our dead relatives and angel friends can see us when we sin, and so even when alone, it is not safe to masturbate or do anything “bad”.

78.       The Holy Ghost goes to bed at midnight, so all dates, sleepovers, or other activities by youth or single people need to end by midnight or else you won’t have protection or guidance against the temptations of the devil

79.       Hoard enough food, water and fuel to survive 3-12 months or more

80.       Women must wear modest clothing that extends to the floor while kneeling down (shorts, skirts etc) and that covers the shoulders and upper arms, no revealing of the midrift, no bikini swim suits, no tank tops, no spaghetti straps etc

81.       Satan’s real name in the Pre-existence is Lucifer, even though that name is only used once in the Old Testament

82.       The ancient Jews were the only people who would kill Christ and therefore the most wicked people in the universe

83.       So long as the US/America’s stay righteous, aka, primarily Christian and God fearing, they will not be attacked by foreign powers or enemies (stems from the tradition laid out in the Book of Mormon that righteousness equals protection from enemies by God etc).

84.       The Earth is a living entity that must also go through ordinances, death and exaltation.  The Flood of Noah was the Earth’s baptism.  The fire and burning at the 2nd coming will be the baptism by fire and immediately after, exaltation to a perfect sphere of glass

85.       The Earth was once in orbit around Kolob, but was expelled when Adam fell from the Garden of Eden.  It will again return to that orbit after the millennium.

86.       If you don’t make it to the highest degree of the Celestial Kingdom, you will be gender-less in the after life.  No sex or sex urges for you in the Terrestrial and Telestial kingdoms.

87.       When people leave the church and can’t leave it alone (despite being psychologically and emotionally damaged by it), it is called “kicking against the pricks”, and is fulfillment of prophesy.

88.       There are people living on the moon.  LINK They dress much like Quakers and they are tall, many standing seven feet tall or more.  One day we will send missionaries to teach them the gospel.  There are also people living on the sun. Journal of Discourses, Vol. 13, p. 217

89.       Brigham Young (2nd LDS prophet) taught that Adam was the literal God of the Earth and Earth’s family

90.       If you serve valiantly as a missionary, you’ll be blessed with a beautiful and righteous spouse when you return

91.       If you hold your right arm to the square and invoke the power of the priesthood, you can cast out devils, divert floods and lava flows, and baptize others

92.       Women covenant in the temple to “observe and  keep the law of the Lord and hearken unto the counsel of your husband as he hearkens unto the counsel of the Father”

93.       All covenant in the temple “to sacrifice all that we possess, even our own lives if necessary, in sustaining and defending the Kingdom of God”

94.       We covenant to “avoid all lightmindedness, loud laughter, evil speaking of the Lord’s anointed, the taking of the name of God in vain, and every other unholy and impure practice”

95.       More, we covenant in temples to “accept the Law of Consecration as contained in theDoctrine and Covenants, in that you do consecrate yourselves, your time, talents, and everything with which the Lord has blessed you, or with which he may bless you, to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, for the building up of the Kingdom of God on the earth and for the establishment of Zion”

96.       Garments represent the garment God/Jesus made and gave to Adam when he discovered his nakedness in the Garden of Eden

97.       Women are most valued when in the home, rearing children and taking care of domestic affairs (laundry, dishes, house cleaning, etc)

98.       In the temple marriage covenant/ceremony, women “give [themselves] to [their husband] to be his lawful and wedded wife” and men “receive her unto [himself] to be [his] lawful and wedded wife for time and all eternity”

99.       If a widow remarries a man for time only, and bears him children, those children will belong to her first and sealed husband in the eternities

100.     Before a woman can remarry in the temple for eternity, she must first get a temple sealing annulment, which can only come at the approval of the First Presidency, and will likely not be allowed if the first husband is deceased

101.     Women were at one point allowed to give blessings by the laying on of hands, but that practice was ended when they were found to be more successful at healing than the priesthood holding men

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Miracle Mongering Catholic Fascists Persecute Freethinker


FIR against rationalist for questioning ‘miracle’

Man files complaint against Sanal Edamaruku who dismissed water dripping from Jesus statue as due to capillary action, saying he had made statements against the Church

Jyoti Punwani

Mumbai was the birthplace of the Indian   Rationalist Association (IRA), founded in 1930 by Mumbaikar R P Paranjpe.   Almost a century later, it has also become the first city to have an FIR filed against the President of the IRA.

The FIR has been filed by another Mumbaikar, Agnelo Fernandes, President of the Maharashtra Christian Youth Forum.

CR 61/2012, Juhu Police Station, has been filed against miracle-buster Sanal Edamaruku, who is also founder-president of the Rationalist International,   which has scientists such as Richard Dawkins in it.

The FIR has been filed under IPC Sec 295A: Deliberate and malicious acts, intended to outrage religious feelings of any class by insulting its religion or religious beliefs. The offence is cognizable and non-bailable.

The whole story began on March 5, when during a TV programme in Delhi, Sanal  dismissed reports that the “dripping cross” outside Vile Parle’s Velankanni   church was a miracle. TV-9 asked him to investigate and flew him down on   March 10. Sanal visited the spot and took pictures.

Born to rationalist parents, Sanal has, for the last 30 years, travelled across the country demonstrating the science behind supposed miracles. He has exposed the man-made nature of the ‘divine flame’ at Sabarimala, and successfully challenged Hindu godmen on TV.

Later on March 10, Sanal attributed the water dripping from the Jesus statue   to capillary action of underground water near the cross. His photographs,   displayed on TV-9, showed seepage on the wall behind the cross and on the   ground near its base. “I removed one of the stones covering a canal for dirty   water nearby, and found that water had been blocked there. Once water is   blocked, it will find an outlet, if not downwards, then upwards. Every student knows that trees get water through capillary action.’’

Sanal said that when he reached the spot, a priest was leading a prayer on the road near the cross; water from the cross had been collected in a bucket   and was being distributed to those gathered there. He was given a photograph of the statue dripping water with the word ‘miracle’ written on it. He said   he was not allowed to take a sample of the water for chemical analysis.

During the subsequent TV discussions in Delhi and Mumbai, Sanal accused the Catholic Church of “miracle mongering’’. Interestingly, in Mumbai, Archbishop Agnelo Gracias, who joined the discussion, categorically stated that the   Church had not described the event as a miracle and would do so only after   conducting investigations. The Archbishop also claimed that the Church was not anti-science and, in fact, it had established the Pontifical Academy of   Sciences, of which Galileo had been a member.

At that point, Sanal pointed out that the Church had imprisoned Galileo, and burnt scientist Giordano Bruno at the stake, and Pope John Paul II had even apologised for it. He also asked the Archbishop what he had to say about the   Vatican indulging in exorcism, to which the Archbishop replied that though he   had not come across any case of “possession’’, he could not rule it out.

All through the discussion, the other panelists kept warning Sanal that they would file FIRs against him if he didn’t apologise for his allegations against the Church.

The discussion ended with Sanal declaring that the Church’s intolerance had resulted in the Dark Ages in Europe. “Don’t try to bring the Dark Ages to India,” he said.

Fernandes lodged a complaint against Sanal at Juhu Police Station on April 10. Another complaint was lodged at the MIDC Police Station. In his complaint, Fernandes states that statements made against the Church and the   Pope by Sanal had hurt his religious feelings.

Sanal, who lives in Delhi, said, “The Indian Constitution enjoins me to develop scientific temper. Let them arrest me, I’m not going to stop doing my fundamental duty.’’

A Sanal Edamuruku Defence Committee has been convened by lawyer N D Pancholi.   Meanwhile, Mumbai police have called him here for questioning.

Support the Sanal Edamaruku Defence Fund with your donation.

Rush Limbaugh Promises All Ladies Whore Diamonds


Rush Limbaugh Promises All Ladies Whore Diamonds

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Come slither

Big ol’ teddy bear Rush Limbaugh simply cannot understand for the life of him why some stupid idiots think the GOP is having a war on women. Your editrix cannot understand this either. (Nor does she have a passport and some Katrina Kash at the ready before they seal the borders of the Republic of Gilead.) Anyhoo, Rush has Logic for why Republicans are way more awesome than stupid effete lieberals when it comes to treatin’ little ladies just right. Are you ready, everyone? Really, are you ready for this? Okay. *CLEARS THROAT* Republicans take women to dinner and buy them diamonds, that why. MediaMatters-brand audio, after the jump!

Honestly, who can even be mad at this dumb fuck any more? It is like being mad at an incredibly stupid, fat, drug-addicted, offensive head of lettuce. Why even bother? Fine, Rush, give us some whore diamonds, for our whoring, whore whore whore. Yeah, we get it kiddo, we’re whores. No, no, you got us, we’re super offended, we promise! No really, really, we are! Run along now sweetie, there’s some cookies on the counter. Remember, Jesus loves you, and good job.

http://cloudfront.mediamatters.org/static/flash/pl55.swf

Rush Limbaugh The Talking Asshole

[MediaMatters]

Publicity Mad Egomaniacal Rabbi Shmuley Boteach


Rabbi Shmuley Boteach Runs For Congress

Rabbi Shmuley Boteach,jpg

The man who never met a microphone he didn’t want to slobber on or a camera he didn’t want to mug for has announced that’s he’s running for US Congress. The announcement came in the wake of widespread Orthodox critism of his (bad) book on Jesus Christ that has probably nixed any chance the publicity mad egomaniacal Chabad-ordained rabbi has to be the new chief rabbi of England.

Rabbi Shmuley Boteach,jpg

“America’s Rabbi” Wants To Be Your Congressman

By Shmarya Rosenberg

Now you can hate him for another reason.

Shmuley Boteach, who likes to bill himself as “America’s Rabbi,” is running for Congress.

Botech told Bergen County’s Republican Organization Wednesday night that he wants to be their congressman and submitted his name to officially enter the New Jersey 9th Congressional District race, the PolitckerNJ reported.

Boteach is the controversial self-promoting Chabad-ordained rabbi, TV and radio host best known for being Michael Jackson’s rabbi.

Boteach has also authored more than a dozen books, most of them panned by rabbis and experts in the various fields Boteach has declared himself to be an expert in.

The latest of these, “Kosher Jesus,” has drawn wide condemnation from hundreds of Chabad rabbis, along with Jewish anti-missionary organizations and scholars.

Before the book’s publication earlier this week, Boteach had been considered for the soon-to-be-vacant post of chief rabbi of England. His chance to nab that coveted position went from plausible to almost impossible when “Kosher Jesus” was published to wide criticism.
Botech lives in Englewood, New Jersey.

GOP-tard Thinks Obama Is Jesus


Orrin Hatch Tells Obama He Can’t Be Like Jesus, Because Of Taxes (VIDEO)

by Kaia Mursi

Orrin Hatch doesn't even believe in the actual Jesus, because Mormons actually a worship a devil named 'The Moron.' Look it up!

Attention, President Obama! Mousy Mormon Senator Orrin Hatch would like to have a word with you in the undersea Holocaust-victim baptizing chamber. Hatch will be doing that thing he always does, that raisin-mouthed, monotonous, mild-mannered smug thing he uses to cloak all manner of backwards beliefs and statements.

The decrepit senator from Utah is currently offended because Barack Obama had the absolute gall to directly quote a famous Biblical character like Jesus Christ at the National Prayer Breakfast and thereby make this annual networking event/affront to the Constitution tawdry and, what’s worse, political!

OUR STARS INDEED! Did Obama even, like, CONSIDER the feelings of the Breakfast’s long-time sponsors, “a secretive evangelical Christian network called The Fellowship, also known as The Family,” which is alleged to have backed “legislation in Uganda that calls for the imprisonment and execution of homosexuals”?

The Hill covers Hatch’s indignation:

Hatch skewered the president for a remark he made at the National Prayer Breakfast on Thursday morning, during which he suggested Jesus might support his plan to raise taxes on wealthy Americans.

“For me as a Christian, it also coincides with Jesus’s teaching that ‘for unto to [sic] whom much is given, much shall be required,’” Obama said at the breakfast.

Hatch, who is a devout Mormon, suggested Obama was trying to “assume the role of theologian in chief” and said he ought to stick to public policy.

DANG! How exactly did Obama manage to inject that bit of radical free expression into the proceedings?

And when I talk about shared responsibility, it’s because I genuinely believe that in a time when many folks are struggling, at a time when we have enormous deficits, it’s hard for me to ask seniors on a fixed income, or young people with student loans, or middle-class families who can barely pay the bills to shoulder the burden alone. And I think to myself, if I’m willing to give something up as somebody who’s been extraordinarily blessed, and give up some of the tax breaks that I enjoy, I actually think that’s going to make economic sense.

But for me as a Christian, it also coincides with Jesus’s teaching that “for unto whom much is given, much shall be required.” It mirrors the Islamic belief that those who’ve been blessed have an obligation to use those blessings to help others, or the Jewish doctrine of moderation and consideration for others.

Well. How very, very uppity of our president, to drag Moses and Mahomet into this as well, of all people. Orrin, look, just take a deep breath and tell us how we can help:

Someone needs to remind the president that there was only one person who walked on water and he did not occupy the Oval Office.

Dude. You do know Jesus actually stole that line from Spiderman? [The Hill]

How Prayer Really Works


The Power of Prayer
prayer
This simple chart provides a fairly accurate description of why prayer serves no real purpose. Assuming that the god at which religious believers are directing their prayers has some sort of plan for them, as most Christians insist, prayer is either redundant or futile. If one’s prayer happens to coincide with the will one one’s preferred god, it ends up being redundant. On the other hand, if one’s prayer conflicts with the will of one’s preferred god, it ends up being futile. In either case, prayer serves no purpose.
I should note one important omission from the chart. Prayer, even if it has no purpose in the sense described by the chart might temporarily make a believer feel better. For this reason, one could argue that temporary self-soothing is the only purpose that could be served by prayer.

Censored! Tim Minchin’s Jesus Song They Won’t Let You Hear


Tim Minchin’s new Christmas song about Jesus cut from The Jonathan Ross Show
By Paul Sims

Comedy superstar (and rationalist) Tim Minchin was supposed to be on The Jonathan Ross Show this week. He’d even written a brand new song for it, as he explains on his blog:

“Being Christmas, I thought it would be fun to do a song about Jesus, but being TV, I knew it would have to be gentle. The idea was to compare him to Woody Allen (short, Jewish, philosophical, a bit hesitant), and expand into redefining his other alleged attributes using modern, popular-culture terminology.”

The recording went ahead as planned last Tuesday, everyone involved enjoyed it, and Tim even managed to finish in time to shoot off to the Hammersmith Apollo to join Brian Cox on stage at Robin Ince‘s Uncaged Monkeys show.
But when the show airs tomorrow night, Tim will be nowhere to be seen:

“Subsequently, Suzi [the show’s producer] and her team edited the show and everybody was happy. Suzi felt it had a nice balance of big-ticket celeb action, local talent, and a nice bit of that cheeky, iconoclastic spirit for which Jonathan is known and widely loved.

And then someone got nervous and sent the tape to ITV’s director of television, Peter Fincham.

And Peter Fincham demanded that I be cut from the show.

He did this because he’s scared of the ranty, shit-stirring, right-wing press, and of the small minority of Brits who believe they have a right to go through life protected from anything that challenges them in any way.”

Fortunately, Tim already had the footage, and he’s uploaded it to YouTube for people to judge for themselves. If you ask us, it’s hard to imagine how the edifice of Christianity could have remained standing had the sensitive ears of Christian ITV viewers not been spared this gently blasphemous comedy number.

Priestly Broom Brawl Forces Palestinian Police Intervention


Now what would fictional baby Jesus think?!

Palestinian Police Break Up Fight Between Priests At Church of the Nativity

CNN reports that yesterday Palestinian police in the West Bank city of Bethlehem were sent into the Church of the Nativity to break up a fight that broke out between Greek Orthodox and Armenian priests. The Church is under a complicated joint administration of Roman Catholic, Greek Orthodox and Armenian religious authorities.
The Church is traditionally cleaned by priests between December 25 and the Orthodox celebration of Christmas that comes in the first week of January. During that clean-up, a fight broke out between two priests who were sweeping the Church. The fight quickly escalated until 50 to 60 priests were striking each other with broomsticks. A similar incident occurred in 2007.
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