Christian Horse-Fondling School “Cures” Your Gayness

Posted: December 29, 2012 in Christian Cretinism, Gay Cure, Horse Fondling
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

You Are Not Gay Anymore, Thanks To Horse-Fondling  School

Posted by Evan  Hurst

Mounties

When  you were born, there was always something different about you. When you were  little, you were interested in “girl things” like Barbie Dolls and learning.  When you were in high school and all the other boys were doing splashy-splashy in the pool with the girls, you were staying  in the water getting a boner of anticipation every time one of the guys hopped  out, just praying they’d forget to un-cling their swim trunks from their  glistening wet bodies for just a minute longer, because you were A Budding Gay.  You were upset about this because Religious Indoctrination, but that’s okay  because something came along and changed your life forever!

Yes, one day, after finding evidence of your secret gayness, your mom took  you to the Cowboy Church Of Virginia, where they taught you to relieve  yourself of wretched, wretched homosexuality by just straight up fondling some  horses:

An American church is promising gay men they will be cured of their  homosexuality if they stroke horses.

The Cowboy Church of Virginia, led by chief pastor Raymond Bell, believes  homosexuality and other ‘addictions’ can be cured by Equine Assisted  Psychotherapy.

Horse therapy, in the right hands, can be used to help overcome fears,  develop communication skills, and is generally beneficial to mental health.

But Bell says the horses in his church, a cowboy ranch in the  south,

As opposed to the horses in LIBERAL CHURCHES…

are part of teaching men to stop being gay and encourage them to be more  masculine.

[…]

Bell said he uses EAP to identify how a person got ‘involved’ in  homosexuality to begin with. For example, because of rape, abandonment, lacking  a male role model, abuse, and having low self-esteem.

Show me on the horse where you’d like Jesus to touch you.

Wayne Besen of the good old Truth Wins Out (where your Wonkette used to work  for, like, actual employment!) coined the phrase “pray away the gay” back in the  day, and is now having to add “neigh away the gay” to his toolbox of  phrases, which reminds us of a story we told a few weeks back about a Floridian man and his  love relationship with a mini-donkey named “Doodle.”

Unfortunately, the proper methods for using horse-fondling to relieve  yourself of gayness are not provided, so please don’t try this with your own  personal horse. You can’t just walk out in the pasture and pocket-rocket to  third base with the first whinnying love machine you see. For one thing, you  will get bitten or stomped on. No, this requires the work of licensed  professional heterosexual romance therapy horses, and the men of God who offer  them up for gay men to jerk them off or whatever, I don’t understand how Jesus  therapy works.

But anyway, that is the story of why you are not gay anymore, and also why  you spend so much time in your barn  after midnight, softly moaning to the sounds of pitter-pattering horseshoes and  Isaac Hayes on vinyl sexing your wife, in the vagina. [Gay Star News/Truth Wins Out]

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